Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourseles, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~Marianne Williamson

Monday, December 1, 2008

I Must Have More to Learn

I love that God continually refines us in to better people. That we are never too old, too stubborn, too young, too smart or too stupid that He gives up on us. I figure by the time I reach the otherside I ought to be as pure as can be. Of course, that means plenty of work needs to be done here.

Now, sometimes that work is just awesome. I am stretched beyond my comfort zone and rise to the occasion and am allowed to bask in the glory of my accomplishment...at least for a little while. And sometimes, the work is just downright painful. God allows me to fall on my face for not listening to Him. While I may put the issue on the altar, in His infinite widom, He will allow me to take it back and crash on my own accord...so that I may rise up a better person. And other times, that doesn't seem to be enough and He will pull out all the stops and let life crash in on me. Kennedy's cancer for example. No, He did not give her cancer but I believe He allowed things to happen the way they did for a greater purpose...my salvation...to save my marriage...to save my family...to allow wonderful people in to my life...to stretch me in to a better person...so we could lead others to Him through our testimony...to refine me and make me more like Him.

You see...I have control issues...big ones. It's an area that effects many aspects of my life. It makes my life painful at times. During Kennedy's cancer years, I had to work on this. Nothing was under my control...NOTHING. A glimpse? When we were given Kennedy's "road map" to treatment, I went home and put it in my calendar for the next 27 months! The first time there was any deviating from the plan...I came unglued. You see...many things in treatment are unpredictable. There are delays and bumps you simply can not plan for and while the doctors understood that, I was unwilling to even entertain the thought. I had so much to learn. And I got better...but still I like control. My son called me a "micromanager" the other day...I didn't even know he knew what it meant...but he did...and he was right. In addition to my control issue...ok, issues...I also like to light my own path. Boy, He sure has a lot of warnings against that. I should probably take heed.

Where is this going you ask????

He has decided more refining is in order. Kennedy has no health insurance...again. This time it appears to be a weird glitch. I mailed a couple of bills with checks in October from a post office. They did not arrive at their destinations. One was a bill that I could take care of over the phone. When I received a late notice I checked to see if it had cleared the bank and when it didn't, I cancelled the check and paid over the phone. It happens. However, I didn't think about anything else going out that day and that included Kennedy's insurance premium (yes, we pay it in addition to the one we pay through Keith's work for the rest of us). As I was getting ready to mail in the November payment, I received the usual statement in the mail about what they will pay and it said that they paid NOTHING to her last clinic visit! What??? Of course, it was the day before Thanksgiving and after 6pm and I could do nothing but cry. I checked with the bank...the October check had not cleared. *LIGHTBULB* they were mailed on the same day. Crap!

I called Friday...no one was available. To cover my butt, I checked out other insurance options. Keith's work...not an option, but I found a few companies who carried individual plans at a reasonable cost. Ok, sucks but it could be okay. I have to have a plan you know! Bright and early this morning called OMIP to straighten it out and they said flat out...she was cancelled. We could appeal...but how am I going to prove I mailed it...its not like I mailed it certified?? With other insurance companies you have to have had coverage within the previous 63 days or you are subject to the "6 month pre-existing condition" clause and with them cancelling and going back to September 30th...December 2nd was 63 days!! Another crap! If she gets her plan back...it will cost us $609!! Aack! If she doesn't, the first month of medical crap will cost us twice that!!!

I am NOT a crier but the tears just keep coming!

I called the best insurance company on my list...I cried some more...he told us to go ahead and fill out an application but she would be denied. Maybe we could use that in our appeal to OMIP. OMG it sucks! Kennedy has 6 appointments in December and 8 in January!!! Oh...let's see...that is about $4000 just for those without insurance.

Ok, regroup. God could not and would not just leave me hanging but I have to wonder what is up, Big Guy! Jeremiah 29:11...that is my mantra. Obama...you better get on that health care reform you promised...we need it NOW!


Amy said...

I hate insurance companies. I'm new to your story but can see it's been a long and winding road for you. Prayers for you and your family.

Stefunkc said...

Oh Mel. You all are in my prayers.