Ok, after reading through my last couple of posts, I realized I am so pessimistic or depressed or angry or overwhelmed or whatever. I really do love my life. I love my family and my farm and feel so blessed that we have a house that is safe and warm. I have the freedom and the support to homeschool my children. My husband has a job when many don't. I am able to continue my education because of his job. My children are mostly healthy and happy. I have an amazing view of Mt. Hood and can enjoy the sun rising over it every single morning. There is food to eat and food for our animals. I have a husband who loves me and is dedicated to the well being of our family. I have a God that loves me unconditionally and His love never waivers. I am so blessed.
Many of my fears and doubts and worries will pass. My paper that was causing me so much stress...is making great progress and I expect to do well on it. The term is almost over. Tomorrow is payday and while it will be difficult to stretch it, it will be here and there will be money for the house payment and food on the table. Sunday I get to spend the day with my mom and my sister window shopping at the largest Christmas bazaar. There will be laughter and fun even with no money. And I will enjoy it. I have 3 more classes and 1 final before my Christmas break begins and while I have to study for comps, I will have a lot more time to enjoy my family and the holiday.
I faxed in Kennedy's appeal yesterday so now it is a waiting game. I just continue to pray and thank heaven above that so many of our friends and family are praying along with us. I have done what I need to do. I know that no matter what happens, God has a plan and will NOT just leave us alone in the wilderness when we do what He has asked of us. He will give me the grace I need as He always does.
It is ok to be disappointed...it is ok to look at your circumstances and feel overwhelmed...it is ok to fall but you have to decide what you are going to do when you get there. "When you hit rock bottom you have two ways to go...straight up...or sideways" and I choose to go straight up to the source. So today, I started on my knees in prayer for the things that need to be accomplished today and I laid upon the altar the things I can not control so that He can have them. When the anxiety wells up in me, I will go to Him and rest in Him and the comfort that will come knowing He cherishes me and only wants the best for me and that He will take my burdens upon Himself.
If you haven't had the chance to read Max Lucado's book "On the Anvil," I highly recommend it. As someone who is pulled from the pile and put on the anvil fairly regulary (and I am grateful for it) it has helped me to see it as a blessing rather than the curse it feels like.
Anvil Time, Chapter 15
On God's anvil. Perhaps you've been there.
Melted down. Formless. Undone. Placed on the anvil for...reshaping? (A few rough edges too many.) Discipline? ("A good father disciplines.") Testing? (But why so hard?)
I know. I've been on it. It's rough. It's a spiritual slump, a famine. The fire goes out. Although the fire may flame for a moment, it soon disappears. We drift downward. Downward into the foggy valley of question, the misty lowland of discouragement. Motivation wanes. Desire is distant. Responsiblities are depressing.
Passion? It slips out the door.
Enthusiasm? Are you kidding?
It can be caused by a death, a breakup, going broke, going prayerless. The light switch is flipped off and the room darkens. "All the thoughtful words of help and hope have all been nicely said. But I'm still hurting, wondering...."
On the anvil.
Brought face to face with God out of the utter realization that we have nowhere else to go. Jesus in the garden. Peter with a tear-streaked face. David after Bathsheba. Elijah and the "still, small voice." Paul, blind in Damascus.
Pound, pound, pound.
I hope you're not on the anvil. (Unless you need to be, and if so, I hope you are.) Anvil time is not to be avoided; it is to be experienced. Although the tunnel is dark, it does go through the mountain. Anvil time reminds us of who we are and who God is. We shouldn't try to escape it. To escape it could be to escape God.
God sees our life from beginning to end. He may lead us through the storm at age thirty so we can endure a hurricane at age sixty. An instrument is useful only if it's in the right shape. A dull ax or a bent screwdriver needs attention, and so do we. A good blacksmith keeps his tools in shape. So does God.
Should God place you on the anvil, be thankful. It means he thinks you're still worth shaping."
I am thankful...that He sees so much more in me than I do.