Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourseles, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~Marianne Williamson

Monday, April 26, 2010

Getting Old

Now that I have been out of school almost a year (I can hardly believe it!), I am finally feeling the desire to truly write again...in fact, I think it's time to start on that book! I read somewhere that if you write a page a day...not much really...you would have a book nearly done at 1 year. Since I figured a good 2 years to complete a book, that sounds pretty damn good to me!

This however, will not be the outlet...though you may see excerpts from time to time to review and help me along...don't worry...I'll thank each and every one of you :)

Today, though, I am thinking about the fact that I am getting older...I know, I know...we all are. But today more than others I really feel it.

I started walking for exercise recently. The sun shining and the crisp spring air have inspired me to finally give up the extra weight. Since I'm not getting any younger, and my metabolism is not getting any faster, now was the time. I put on about 40 lbs while going to college (did I just say that OUT LOUD???) it's time to take this off and then some. I look at pictures from 10 years ago and can't believe I thought I was heavy then...so sad! Anyway, it's not really my weight I want to talk about.

So, I started walking. It's good for the dogs and sets a great example for my children. Being overweight is common in my family and I want them to know that a healthy lifestyle is the way to go. They have enjoyed getting out and talking and I have enjoyed their company. At 13 and 9, it won't be long before they are talking to me less and less. That is a topic for another day!

Since I have started walking, I have more energy and I generally feel better...except for my knee. It's started feeling "creaky" and saying horrible things to me by late in the day. Like about now. I keep feeling like I want to "pop" it but no matter how much I stretch and bend it...nothing. I've added in yoga a couple days a week thinking that the stretching and endurance will help...not this knee. It's not swollen or achy...just...creaky. Like I'm getting older...

Add to the knee...I looked in the mirror...I mean really looked...and lo and behold! Wrinkles!!! My eyes are looking closer to 40 when inside I'm sure I look closer to 25...I don't get carded any more either!! NEVER!! What happened?!? In my mind, nothing has changed since 25...until I see my face and body in the mirror. Then, the other day, the kids told me I was middle aged! What? It's true, I'll be 37 next month...God, I can hardly say it...but somehow that doesn't seem old...I remember my mom at 37 and she's what...45 now??? Or should be! When my mom was my age, she had 2 teenagers at home...

Growing old...it's definitely not for the weak...

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Wow! Has it been almost a year since I updated this site??? Ack! That's awful!

Part of the reason is after writing my Carson research project AND my senior thesis, I was burnt out! It stifled any creativity whatsoever. I just couldn't do it any more...so I read...a ton...and I enjoyed the company of my friends (whom I missed terribly) and I played with my children. However, none of these activities pays the bills...so I found a job...

What do I do now??? I write! Yep, that's what I said. I'm working with several non-profit organizations and a documentary film maker on funding sources including grant writing. And I love it :) Who'd a thunk it?
In addition, for those who don't know, we have recently moved to Montana. It has always been a dream of mine to live here...ever since I heard a song as a kid about Montana.

Yes, this is the view from my back deck...at sunset. It's amazing here...I have to wonder now what took me so long :)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

It's Finally Over!

Tuition and books at private university....$140,000

Student Loans....$40,000

Fees and Parking Permits for 4 years....$1000

Cap, gown, stole and tassel....$40

Finally graduating after 7 years in college...Priceless!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Seems to be Healing

Ok, well it seems to be. I'm hoping that it is supposed to look worse as it gets better...because it does. It feels better...that should be a good sign.

I won't post any pictures (I can hardly stand looking at it myself) so no fear there!

Austin is still not feeling well. For a kid that never gets sick, this is sure keeping him down. He had 6 days of fever and is still feeling lethargic. Of course, he's not back up to eating is usual amount either so that could be contributing.

Kennedy is much better as well. Aside from being "snotty" she's pretty much back to her usual self...hopefully, this means we're all on the mend.

Hmmm...I have so much schoolwork to do. God, I can not wait to be done with school! I'm at the point now where I just care about passing and graduating (much to the disappointment of my professors). I'm just so done and ready to move on to other things! There is a garden to put in, raspberry bushes to transplant from my uncle's, homeschooling, horses to work with, new chicks to raise, work on my friend's farm and grants to write. My life is waiting for me to finish school!

So, sorry this is a short one...my paper is calling my name and it gets louder with each passing minute :)

Monday, February 23, 2009

Warning! Might be Gross!

Ok, I wasn't sure that I was going to put you guys through this but since it is consuming nearly every thought I have right now...I have to say it.

I have an owie!

Now, I know that most of you are moms or at least have pets and have seen "owies." But this one is gross, too! And literally, I can't think of too much else since it is...on...me. Yep...me!

I really wish I had some great, entertaining story to go along with it. My son has the best owie stories ever. Let's see...stitches in his cheek from a baseball...glued finger after cutting it open and he was thrilled because he could see the bone...staples to the head after wrestling with mom...broken collar bone from bull riding...split lip from a kick to the face by his pony (and didn't get knocked out!)...and recently...knife juggling led to 4 stitches. No, my story is neither cool nor tough sounding in anyway. I simply fell...well, slipped really...in gravel.

On Saturday morning, I was very excited to have slept in...late...past 8am! As I was getting up and getting my day started, I heard Keith's radio/phone going off in the living room. Since he was on call, that was pretty important. I began looking around for him...he was no where in the house. I looked outside and saw that the gate to the animals was secure and the shed was open. I assumed that because the day was gorgeous and I hadn't heard from him yet this morning that he must be busy working (he's expanding my chicken coop, working on the fence and finishing stalls) or training horses (we have 3 young ones). No horses were to be seen but it was certainly possible that he was feeding them behind the stalls in the far corner.

I opened the back door and yelled...no response...and his phone was still beeping at me. In a huff, I threw on my muck boots and headed out with phone in hand. I crossed the gate and still no sign of any of them. The goats were still home so I didn't suspect a break out. I went all around (the area where they are really isn't that big) and found NO ONE. That could not be good. I gave the phone to my sick son and told him to run to Grandma's and have her answer it (they work for the same company). I dashed back in the house...out of my jammies...in to my jeans and out the door. Last week, two horses escaped (well, one was out and the other bolted at the gate and the two took off) so it was not too crazy of an idea.

I started up and down the street...across to where they are pastured in the spring and summer...down in to the Christmas tree farm...no sign of them. I knew Keith would NEVER take them out on his own so this was not a good sign. I became very worried and concerned that he may be injured somewhere with misbehaving horses and no way to get help.

When suddenly, a truck pulls slowly down our road and stops. He yells to me asking if I'm looking for a guy with 4 horses! Yep! That was me! He told me to hop in and as I ran around the side of the truck to get in, I slipped and went down. So fast I could not even catch myself! Literally, I did not reach out until my face was inches from the ground. And I hurt...bad! Austin came and asked me if I was okay and I said that I was. I climbed in the truck and looked through my shreded pants to find a 1" plus gash/flap on my knee...not much blood yet but the road rash around it started bleeding. We headed down to the Garfield Grange Hall where he said they would be coming through. When the neighbors horses perked up and ran for the fence I hopped out and ran around the building. As soon as my foot hit the ground I knew I was in trouble. Shooting pain went both up and down my leg from my knee. I ran anyway.

Through the other Christmas tree farm came 2 women on horseback ponying our two wildest horses (Loco and Cooper), another woman led my trusty boy, Chazzy, and Keith had Baby. I took Loco and the other women walking helped us get everyone home. Apparently what happened was they were all wound up that morning because there were some workers trimming trees next door in that Christmas tree farm (yes, we are surrounded...looks amazing in the snow) and so Keith went out to feed them to distract them and hopefully calm them down. As he opened the gate, Cooper (4 year old quarter horse and built like a tank) chargged the gate knocking over Keith and pushing the gate on him and the rest followed. No time to get us, Keith grabbed halters and lead ropes and headed across the street after them. He was afraid they would get further away if he took the time to get help. He was also worried because if they get hit by a car, we would be liable.

So, now they were home and settled in...tired and hungry. I went in to my mom's with blood soaking through my jeans and looked at it. It was nasty! Wide open and bleeding like a fountain. Keith had to head for work, Kennedy was supposed to be at my niece's party and I had a gaping wound...on my knee...where I have no fat for padding!

I jumped in the shower...I figured stitches were on the agenda and a shower when I returned would be out of the question. It just kept bleeding. I was going to either faint or be sick so I hopped back out and laid down on my bed. I threw on my scrubs and headed out with my dad driving (I injured my right knee).

We arrived at an empty ER. Got right in and the doctor said that it was a real mess. I didn't cut straight down but through the side. He cleaned it up slightly and then started poking it and shooting in novacaine! Ugh! I thought I was going to be like one of those cartoon cats stuck to the ceiling. OMG! Austin said that I only used the "S" word a few times. It hurt!!! Worse than when I actually injured myself.

A great big guy came in next to clean it...not fun...apparently the way it was cut it was hard to get all the dirt and stuff out. Next came the stitches...only 3...what?!? It was a jagged mess so he did one at the top...one in the middle...and one at the bottom. One side of the cut was numb but not the other...it just kept getting better! I was glad when the nurse came in to bandage it up and sent me home with 2 antibiotics. The doctor was afraid it was not really clean so he wanted to cover the bases, I guess.

Ok...I told that entire story to get to the gross part...no, we're not there yet. So, through Sunday, it hurt like the dickens but I survived and it looked OK...well, as ok as it could look...all things considered. Today...Monday...not so much.

My sister came over to help me with the sick kids and crazy animals and I showed it to her. I thought I just had some nasty road rash but it kept bleeding where my cut was...every time I walked. It was also swollen. I decided to head to the shower...where it got worse...when I got out...it was open. Between the top and middle stitch, I had a hole of (here it starts to get gross) red, bloody tissue that just seeped. Ewww! I called the Dr's office (Caryn had already called once this morning) and was told by the answering service that it could wait until 1:30 when they returned from lunch.

Now, side track, I love my sister! She is wonderful, loving, caring, loyal and has absolutely no problem getting exactly what she wants. For my son's b-day party we rented a local pool...the last party was still there opening gifts and eating cake even though it was clearly our time...she made them leave...quickly. She rocks! If you ever need someone on your side or someone to get things done...you can count on her. I would just like to say that I am taking credit for this. You see...she's my LITTLE sister and I made her tough and demanding. Sure...she thinks I was mean growing up...but really...I was preparing her for the real world.

Ok, back to MY story. So, my sister would have absolutely no waiting! She called back and demanded to speak with the doctor...and got through. I was seen at 1:30...as soon as their lunch was over.

The nurse took one looked at it and circled around the cut with her finger asking me if it had looked like that before...like what? The road rash...not road rash...blistering and oozing infection...ewwww. Apparently when the doctor in the ER stitched it...he created a nice little place for infection to grow...a pus pocket. Yum! And now...that pus was looking for a way out...oh, wait...it gets better. So, the doctor cut out the stitches and squeezed...you guessed it...more pus and blood...yep....lucky me! The nurse cleaned it and told me to scrub it with a washcloth and soap 3x per day...are they crazy??? Scrub the pus off? The dying tissue? Oh, God no! And stay off it? Don't drive? Don't walk? What????

With Vicodon in my system...I have come to terms with their recommendation. I also picked up ANOTHER antibiotic and I have to return in a few days. So, I have crutches...when I put pressure on it I darn near jump! I hate crutches. My sister has a cane from when her husband got in a street fight and tore his ACL (that's another posting) so I tried that...I felt very cool and sarcastic...like Dr. House...my family didn't notice that I was acting....hmmm....

And tonight...I scrubbed it...it...did....not...feel...good...in fact, it was painful and itchy! I got out of the tub and blew it dry with the hair dryer..as instructed...weird...blow drying my knee...very weird and kind of yucky feeling. I then decided to lay on my bed and just let it breathe. Big mistake...since it thinks it's alive. I started to notice little bubbles developing on my knee...not in the cut...around it. It kind of reminded me of spit bubbles that bugs make or like air bubbles that come to the surface of a pond when something lives in it...ewww...or like that Untold Stories of the ER episode where that lady had bugs living IN her scalp and they were pushing bubbles out of the holes...ewww...I know...very active imagination. I yelled for Keith! I couldn't take it anymore!

He saw bubbles, too. I got a guaze pad and wiped them away and they came back...ewww...so either I have bugs or my body fluid is boiling...either way...not good.

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try! ~Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Thinks You Can Think!

Friday, February 20, 2009


I have not updated...not that that is surprising to anyone...really.

By the way...have you ever thought about just how weird it looks when we write "that that" but we say it and don't think about it? Anyway...

Back to not updating. I think I know what it is and I want to correct it. I stopped writing this time because after talking about the worst and best Christmas we ever had, I just didn't want to talk about it again. I'm not ready to contemplate future Christmases and was less ready that day...or week...or month...or whatever since then. I thought I wanted to talk about, but I don't.

Then I asked another blog that I follow to let me play this letter game, and she gave me the letter "L," and I thought I wanted to do that but fizzled out after 5 things and then no pictures and blah, blah, blah. Sorry, Liz.

When I first started writing, I had just come to the conclusion that I did not want to talk about my daughter's cancer anymore...but sometimes I still did. I wanted to just write. And at first I probably did just that...but then other people started reading it and I started to think I should write something that was meaningful or insightful or whatever and I wrote less. Now, if I don't think I have a topic to write on then I think I should not write when maybe just rambling could actually lead to something only I don't know because I never get started.

So, sorry for those who follow my blog or just stop by occasionally, but I'm just going to write. Sometimes with rhyme and reason...sometimes just a quote...maybe a book or movie review...just whatever happens to be on my mind that day. Maybe it will be part of my senior thesis...or a whiny rant session...who knows...could be fun...could be boring..we'll see.

Today...today my son is sick and I feel just awful for him because I am stuck writing one paper that's late about slavery and one on the theory portion of my senior thesis. I would like to just sit in the recliner or on the couch with him and watch hour after hour of Sponge Bob but these papers are relentlessly beating on my head to come out. Ok...maybe not beating...the truth of the matter is that I can't think of a single worthwhile thought for the slavery paper based on the questions the professor has selected...this has something to do with why it's late. The senior thesis theory section...just don't want to do it. By the time you reach the pinnacle of your college career, you are simply sick of your area of concentration...sick of it! I have rehashed Fisher's narrative three ways till Sunday...I don't want to read about it, apply it or think about it again for at least 5 years! I don't want to read how other people have applied it to artifacts similar or different to mine...I just want to hang with my sick kid. I think you should write your thesis somewhere in your Junior year...before you're sick of everything and just want to cross the finish line...back when you still cared about it.

Ok, enough of that. The day is gorgeous and I could not keep myself from cracking the windows and letting some fresh air in. The sun is shining, the horses are running (the goats hiding), the chickens are scratching and I can actually hear birds. How lovely! Horse blankets are off and they are just loving it.

Oh, I also ordered new baby chicks! Nothing says "Spring" like a fluffy day old baby chicken! And this will be our first year raising fryers. I helped pluck chickens at my grandparents as a kid so they are heading to the butcher at about 8 weeks (in case you're wondering...no, I'm not slaughtering and cleaning 40 chickens!). Should be fun...we are also getting 8 new layers. We have Austrolorps so we are adding a couple more of those and then 6 Araucaunas. Right now we have 4 and they are laying just enough for the 6 of us, but I have had requests for eggs for purchase (they are antibiotic, hormone free and are free range) so to fill that and fulfill the pleasure I get from having them, we decided to triple our laying flock. Should be fun! Kennedy is also showing 2 of our hens for 4H this year.

Speaking of 4H...is that the best thing ever or what? I never did 4H as a kid...I thought it was some branch of the girl scouts...but when I learned about it as an adult I could not wait to get the kids involved! It's the perfect extension of our little "hobby" farm. The kids are both showing rabbits (Austin has Comet and Kennedy has Mr. Moe...remember him?), Kennedy is showing our hens (probably Hannah and London) and Austin wants to show a goat...not ours...their too naughty! Should be lots of fun...I know last night's meeting was. I considered being the poultry leader (since I do love chickens!) but decided that there was simply enough on my plate this year. Next year though, when I'm not in school, I would love to be more involved.

Well, there's more going on but these papers won't write themselves and I do not want them hanging over my head all weekend! So...back to work!

Have a great one...and follow on this journey...I hope it evolves and grows and I would love to have you along for the ride...

Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character. Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul. ~Author Unknown