I Struggle

It's true. If one more person thinks I'm supermom or superwoman I will scream. No one thinks I'm superwife...they've seen my house :) Yes, I homeschool. Sure, I'm also finishing my bachelor's degree. Yep, I manage to hold it together and oversee my daughter's therapy and specialists. Oh, I have a menagerie of pets to care for. And I have 2 businesses trying to get up and running. I do a little writing. I have an active and busy life...today? Let's see...did homework, folded laundry, made breakfast, got put together, got kids put together, did some grant writing research, found a book on starting a non-profit to drop off for client, fed animals, gathered eggs, worked through language arts lesson with Kennedy, helped Austin with math and then science, met with a client, picked up an extra 11 year old boy for the weekend, ran by the bank, stopped at McD's (this was now noon) to buy 3 kids lunch, took said 3 kids rock wall climbing, went grocery shopping, helped feed animals again, ran to the feed store with hubby and then came home and stacked hay, argued with daughter about why she can't buy a pig, coordinated the ordering (or rather the choosing) of our cuts of beef being butchered in eastern Oregon, helped make dinner, did dishes at mom's house, answered emails and checked facebook, and now updating my blog. Before I can go to bed, I have to work more on my paper, wrestle the boys away from their computer game and send the kids to bed, fold and flip laundry so no one is naked tomorrow and finally hit the hay. But you know what? There are huge failures in my life right now.

My house being one. That is the area that gets sacrificed regularly. There's folded laundry on the train table waiting to be put away. It's a distant cousin of the clean and mostly folded laundry in my bedroom. They are all related to the ugly stepsister dirty laundry that appears in my room, bathroom, laundry room, kids' rooms and even a few in the living room. The kids' rooms are resembling New Orleans after Katrina. The classroom has toys, papers and books strung about. The kitchen floor needs mopped, the living room vacuumed and the dust bunnies are about to take over. I hate it.

School has become number two. I know...hard to believe. Before Kennedy got sick (OK, I have to say how ugly it is that our life is now defined by the before the major life trauma and after said trauma but it happens) I was very dedicated to school and my future career. I could never struggle in school or fail or even get a C. I did student government. I volunteered. I was an Outstanding Student Scholar. I was in Phi Theta Kappa (national honor society). I worked at the Capital in Salem. But (and a very BIG BUT here) I sacrificed my family...Alot. Then Kennedy got sick and suddenly my life was put in to perspective.

Now, I believe that all things happen for a greater good and that God is in control. No, He did not "give" Kennedy cancer but He did make the situation work for a higher purpose. I needed to put my priorities in order and put Him and my family above all else. And I have...but something had to give.

I have come to a point where passing is the goal...period. And I hate to say it. I used to stay up all night working and not go to sleep until the next night. I didn't have time for my kids or my husband. It was horrible. Now, I get by and it is catching up. I had a meeting with a professor that could have gone better. She spoke with my advisor last week who let her know that "the quality of my work had declined substantially." Wow...that's harsh...true, but harsh.

Background on the professor...she grew up in a neighborhood where people don't work because they inherit all the money they will ever need. She went to school and had only school to think about...no job, no money worries, no family...just school and she succeeded in getting perfect grades. Now, she teaches and works as a consultant but still has no family or even much responsibility (in her words). She is an incredible professor. Fair, honest and balanced (which is more than I can say for most professors I have had) and one of the smartest people I know. But, she doesn't get it. She even said that she could not imagine doing what I do. But she is disappointed that I don't and am unwilling to give 100%. For that I feel bad.

So, at our meeting, I laid it all out on the table. She appreciated my honesty but was not happy to hear the truth. I simply told her that my lack of enthusiasm was in no way a reflection of the content of the class, the quality of discussion with my peers or her ability to teach. It was simply a lack of time and my ability to give to all of my competing priorities. I feel like I have a huge stove with a multitude of boiling pots and only a few lids and I have to manage to keep them all from spilling everywhere and destroying my kitchen. I literally take whatever pot is running over at the moment...and I am so tired and burnt. The only thing that keeps me going with school is the fact that after December 17th I will need to pass my comps and pass one class to graduate. That is it. The commute...the class work...the homework...I just can't hardly do it anymore. Right now I have a paper due and I just can't get on it. I don't know what in the world is wrong with me! I know it has to be done or I fail and yet another pot is spilling over that can't wait. The class is very interesting...the topic one of my choosing that I really care about but...nothing.

So, I am not Superwoman and to be honest...I don't want to be.