Spring is Returning

It's true, it's true...sure signs of spring have returned to our little corner of the world. No, not pretty flowers...nope, no baby animals...no, not even sweetly singing birds...well, there may be some of these things, but they are not necessarily signs for us that the seasons are turning. However, these are...

What is this you ask? Why, it is the big pile of burn...and you are probably wondering why this is a sign of spring. First, it's a sign that the east wind is upon us and branches once heavily laden with snow are now weakened and falling in to our horse paddock (sometimes damaging the fence) and also in all that pile, Papa has begun trimming bushes and trees for spring growth. All signs that spring is just around the corner. And...

this? Well, it is a horse blanket...and what does it have to do with spring here? The fact that it is off is a sign of good things. Notice the caked winter mud...both inside and out. It has seen better days for sure. It is getting warmer...warm enough in fact, to remove the winter blanket from the old pony. All of the horses are beginning to lose their winter coats. While brushing them yesterday, I noticed them shedding and soon they will look like sleeked out beauties instead of the wooly bears they appear to be right now. The pony never completely slicks out but he will be much more comfortable when he doesn't look like he is wearing the coat of a yak!

And another sign of impending springdom? Finally having enough days of no rain to clean up the entire paddock.

By the look on his face you would never know that he has the easy job...driving the little "tractor" around while dad does the actual cleaning. I'm not sure that the scowl on his face has anything to do with his job, but more to do with the fact that mom is out there with a camera! Boy, I remember when he was too small to reach the brake and someone would have to run alongside and stop it for him or he would just stand up and the loss of weight on the seat would kill the engine! He has grown so much and is such a big help to his dad. While my daughter and I enjoy the horses, we really don't do all the work...the boys do. Sure we do feed them and we love to groom and ride them but when it comes to the "crappy" work (ok, pun intended here!) they are the movers and haulers (again, I am SO funny!).

One more sign of spring in our little neck of the woods? Check this out! This is a sign of warmer, longer days...

the outside toys are in their proper place...the yard! When the kids start tearing these out, I know spring is just around the corner.

Finally, sorry I don't have a picture, the fillies are frolicking all over the pasture. Running, kicking, bucking and playing...let's just say they are feeling more frisky and soon we will be very thankful our boys are geldings!

Here's to happy spring days and warmer nights...

Grace for Our Situation

God is amazing. It amazes me that He has time for all of us. Really, this is beyond my scope of understanding. I barely have enough time somedays for the people just in my household...let alone the whole world for all that has come and all that is coming. Not only does He have time for us, He truly knows us. I can't tell you how many times I have said (or heard my friends say) that I wish someone (usually spouses) really knew me...knew who I was deep inside. He does. Our spouses can "know" us to a certain extent but there are always places we don't let people in...He is there. Do you want to know what is so amazing about Him knowing you? It is that He can give us an amazing grace we can find no where else for our very life situation. I didn't get this. Not at all. When others said that His grace was sufficient I saw grace as being more like just forgiveness and couldn't really understand how it could cover a situation. It was like the grace we give our children...we don't kill them for making sometimes horrible choices instead we just hold them. It is the thing that keeps us from beating them senseless somedays. I can only imagine how incredibly frustrating it must be for God, since we have free will and all, to watch us make the same bad choice over and over and over and over with no real desire to change. Good thing His grace covers a multitude of sins, huh?

That is all I thought grace was. Grace is so much more. Grace is also giving us what we need for our own life's journey. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, "And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." There fore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me." When we come before Him in weakness, it is by His strength that we are able to not only endure a situation but actually rejoice in our suffering. Please, let me put this in to some context so that you may see how I finally came to have this understanding of grace.

Before my daughter was diagnosed with cancer, I was in awe of others who could endure hardship. The family that lost their house to a fire. The husband and young children who watched their wife/mother succumb to cancer. Missionaries who endured unspeakable torture. And not just catastrophes such as these but the homeschooler mother, the mother with a large family, grandmothers raising their grandchildren, foster parents, etc. You can see where I am going. Those who had bigger, tougher or just different situations than mine. I would always say, "wow, I could never do that." or "Thank God I was never expected to do that." Well, be very careful making statements to God about what you can and cannot endure or live through/with.

What we don't get is that we are incapable of nearly everything without God. Ok, really...everything. Sometimes, I think He just lets us handle some things on our own. You know...I can pick up dirty clothes and I know I am capable...hmmm...now that I have said that if it wasn't for God giving me the body I have and the mental facilities, that may not be possible... but you get the idea. There are lots of activies we do everyday without thinking about whether or not God helps us do them. We simply do not think. But what about when He asks us to do something bigger than ourselves? You know...those tasks when we feel like Moses at the burning bush and we just keep giving God reasons why we are not the right one for the job. He knows that...that we are incapable without Him...that is the point.

Let me let you all in on a little secret about me...I am not a great mom. Especially before all of this. I am selfish, disorganized and not always attentive. I was very focused on my life. I was also the kind of mom who could barely keep things straight. I rarely made my kids finish their antibiotics because I wasn't organized enough to remember to give all of them. And I didn't always pay attention...I was selfish. I was NOT a good candidate for the mother of a cancer child. Not to mention that I am very emotional. Not going to be good. So, what on earth was God thinking???? I couldn't remember to let the dog out in time or get dinner on the table before 7:30pm (thank the Lord I had my mom!).

God had so much to show me. I needed a multitude of grace...I mean grace upon grace upon grace...and He knew that. But HIS grace was sufficient. He gave me exactly what I needed for MY situation. Not for my neighbor's or friend's or someone in my family...but what HE knew I needed. Amazing.

Only through God did I begin to focus on something other than myself. Only through God did I develop a system for keeping track of appoinments, feeding and medicines. Only by the GRACE OF GOD. It was God who changed me...not me, not my situation...I could have remained the same person...I would have sucked as a mom and wife to Austin, Kennedy and Keith through all of this, but He changed me. He taught me, molded me, melted me in the Refiner's fire in to the person I needed to be for my situation. Kennedy's cancer was just the vessel through which He worked. Sadly, because of who I had chosen to become, it had to be this. I had to be brought to a place of complete brokenness (now there is an oxymoron, huh?), absolute submission before He could begin. Nothing until this had done it.

Ok, so my point...back to the beginning...His grace is sufficent to our individual situation...to us individually. Now isn't that amazing? He didn't give me the "universal grace" for "mother's with children who have cancer." He didn't even give me the "universal grace" for "a 32 year old mother of 2 with a 4 year old child with high risk, slow responding ALL." Nope, He gave me the grace necessary for Melenie. Just me and it was designed to meet my exact need. Not for anyone else. And even better? He gave Kennedy her own grace designed exclusively for her to complete her journey and Austin his own grace to be the sibling and Keith his own grace to be the father. No two graces (is that even a word??) are alike. They can be as big or small or bright or smooth as that individual needs for that individual situation. Amazing.

The reason we do not understand how someone is able to endure their life's journey is because it is not ours. It is not our cross to bear or enjoy, depending on what it is. We do not understand because God has not given us their grace.

Countless people (families, friends, strangers) have asked us how we could endure or how we survived and it is ONLY by God's grace. Without it I would have crumpled in to a ball and would be probably living out the rest of my days in an asylum somewhere. I am NOT strong, nor do I claim to be, but I don't need my own strength...I have His. I have His grace. He provides every single thing I have needed and will need to get through every moment. So, the mother who is enduring the 3rd cancer round (relapse now of original cancer) in 3 years has sufficient grace. The grace given to me for my journey would NOT be sufficient for her and I won't pretend otherwise. The mother whose child breezed through treatment and is having absolutely no long term effects...the grace God gave her...won't work for me. That isn't my journey.

Next time you are presented with a situation in which you think, "Oh, I could never do that" or think "What can I do to bear their burden, " remember that God is way ahead of the game. What can you do? Pray, pray and listen to God for what you are to do. Sometimes your part is just to pray and that is fantastic. Sometimes you will have a bigger role, but He will let you know. Don't try to play God to someone else...been there, doesn't work but that is for another entry!

May you always seek God first.

Runaway Horses

Yes, you read that right! We had 3 runaway horses tonight...in the dark, mind you!

As many of you know, especially if you have horses, they are VERY dependent animals. Ours seem to be more so as we have a "dry" paddock which means we have no pasture (just mud in the winter) and it is necessary for us to provide everything they eat. This means twice a day (or more often) someone (usually/always an adult) must be available to trudge through the sticky, sloppy, mucky mess (well, the entire thing isn't that bad, just where they love to stand all day such as the water troughs, around the stalls and around the hay buckets) that our horses have created, with the help of rain, to clean up stalls and standing areas, feed and water and just give lots of attention. This is NOT my favorite thing about having horses. In fact, every day I whine to dear hubby about how much I dislike it and how if I was only working we could afford to have someone else do our job for us. Of course, I would miss the daily love and affection I get from all of them and truly have no intention of handing this job over.

So, it is my job to do it all in the morning and check on them again in the afternoon. It's bad enough that on several occasions I have stepped right out of my boot and barefoot in to the mud (my sock often slides down and off in to my boot leaving me barefoot) or been so stuck that my son has had to get the shovel to get my boot and foot out. On a few occasions I have even landed in the mud but thankfully missed burying my face. Really, I could share TONS of very funny stories concerning me and the mud. For those of you who know me and what a germ-a-phobe I am this would be even more amusing! Anyway, back to my job...in the evening, it is generally hubby's job to clean and feed and water and pick feet although he often talks me in to mucking the stalls while he gets everything else done. Tonight I did not help.

Now, we have one older Arab (Chazz), one old but lovable Icelandic pony (Champ) and two mischevious and sometimes wild baby American Indian Appaloosas (Hope and Running Deer). Chazz, Hope and Running Deer are all EXTREMELY creative and excellent problem solvers. As you can imagine, this makes things very interesting. They know how to open not only the feed room but every single grain bin so now there is a pallet to keep the door from opening much when pushed in and a lock on the handle so they can't open it in the first place. Now the door has a handle that must be lifted 90 degrees and then while held in that position slid open to the left and dropped and all have managed to pick that one up (hence the need for the lock). Thankfully we figured out how to stop them before anyone over indulged and died of colic (absolutely deadly in horses if untreated-for those who are not horse people). This creativity has also allowed them to figure out how to open the stall, untie ropes and string, undue bungy cords and they have been working on getting the gate open. Now, if we hooked the chain for the gate around a nail...they would get away for sure...if there was a push latch...again, goodbye horses...so, we have a heavy duty carabeener that is nearly impossible to open unless you have opposable thumbs...I'll state the obvious here...horses do not. Let's say, however, that it is completely ineffective if you don't lock it!

Dear hubby just threw the chain through the gate while he pulled the hay out of the shed and filled the buckets but had full intentions of going back in through the gate and therefore left it. BUT, he did NOT go back through and the gate stayed just like that. We are not sure if it was the wind or just curious horses (I said before they have been working on the gate) but they managed to get it wide open and off the three of them went in to la-la heaven...the land of fresh grass. Champ was not so lucky as he gets locked in a stall at meal time to prevent everyone else from stealing his prize meals of beet pulp and orchard grass hay pellets (he only has one back tooth after all). Thank heaven Champ remained at home!

Fast forward hours later and hubby goes out to let the pony out for the night and check on the ya-hoos and the gate is wide open! Of course, they didn't hang around, given they were now in the land of opportunity, but headed off in to fresh grass bliss. In a panic, hubby came charging through the door yelling for me to help. Frantically I through on my dirty jeans and in to the night we went.

Now, we are newbies in the horse thing. I assumed they had run for the hills to once again return to the land of the wild mustang where days are filled with frolicking, eating and more frolicking with their massive herds. No, they simply ran across the street to visit the neighboring horse herd. Now, we did not know this initially...we trudged back to the feed room for halters, lead ropes and the ever powerful bucket-o-grain to bribe them. We went to the front yard and began shaking the grain...then we heard the unmistakable holler of Chazz calling to Champ. Our neighbor, thank God we are surrounded by sensible horse people, had lured them in to his pasture (remember they wanted to see their "neigh"bors-too good to resist) and locked them up.

They were in a panic though as they could not figure out how to get home and part of their herd was still here. After reassuring them that we were there to help, not punish, everyone behaved and got their halters on and were led without incident back across the road and home to the safety and security of their very own mud pit.

Not the kind of excitement I enjoy late at night in the pouring down rain!

Momma Questionaire

Typical time of wake-up: I've been getting up around 7am but I would prefer to sleep until 8!

How long you have been a momma: nearly 12 years

How old were you when you became a mom (is this to personal?): 23

Favorite Kids show: Sesame Street

Least Favorite Kids show: Life with Derek, Zoey 101, SpongeBob

Favorite chore: Vacuum-I love to have my floor dog hair free!

Least favorite chore: Cleaning the bathrooms, I hate the smell of bleach!

Meal you cook most often: When I cook? The meal we eat most often is spaghetti

Kids favorite meal: Definitely, their dad's spaghetti

5 things that make you smile when you are being a mom: 1. The kids laughing together. 2. Homeschooling and watching my kids have that "ah-ha!" moment when they learn something new. 3. Reading to my kids from stories I loved when I was young. 4. When my kids push themselves beyond their comfort zones and succeed. 5. Lots of daily hugs and kisses.

Favorite thing your husband does with your kids: Rides horses and helps with rodeo...Keith NEVER misses spending time with them and helping them at the rodeos. He is always right there to comfort and coach them and does an excellent job knowing how to balance between the two.

Last time you went out with no kids: When Keith and I went to see "I am Legend" in December...hmmm...sounds like we need to go out again soon!

If you could take your kids anywhere where would it be: Disneyland for sure! That was the best family vacation ever...everyone had such a fabulous time and we went from sun up to sun down. I have never seen my husband laugh and smile so much.

Favorite pastime/activity with kids: Rodeo and riding horses but I also love homeschooling, camping, reading to them, attending sports events such as baseball and rodeo, exploring, hiking, going to the zoo or OMSI, cooking...boy, I could just go on and on and on...we love hanging out with the kids.

1 thing you said you would never do when you were a mom: I would never give the explanation "Because I said so!" but sadly...I do say it on rare occasions.

If you had an afternoon to yourself what would you do? Read, ride horses or scrapbook

1 thing you do that your mom did & now you do: Read to my kids...nothing fostered my love of reading or learning better than having lots of books read to me as a child.

Favourite quality of your own mom: Her ability to persevere through even the toughest situations and the fact that she always has plenty of hugs no matter how old I get.

Favorite kids book: Oh, I have so many!! I LOVE reading Dr. Seuss books to my kids...I REALLY get in to it and seem to get louder and louder as the story goes on.

Best advice for a new mom: Just remember with every phase...this, too, shall pass. When I was in the throws of difficult phases, this kept my sanity and in the wonderful ones, I held on to every moment. Also, what you kids want more than anything is time...not toys or expensive games or lavish vacations...they just want to play with you.

Scariest or most heartbreaking moment as a mom: When Kennedy was diagnosed with cancer. It was as heartbreaking to walk through it with her as it was to see the sadness in my son's eyes when we had to be apart.

Most joyful moment as a mom: Watching Kennedy kick the crap out of cancer and seeing my son tame the wild beasts of rodeo.

Last time your child told you they love you: this morning

Last time you said I love you to your kid(s):this morning

Now go tell your kids how great they are give them a big hug & kiss! I think you are all the best moms ever, and are doing a heck of a job!And I now tag anyone who wants to do this!

About Me

While some of you have followed me over from my daughter's blog, some of you may be new so I thought I would take some time to talk about myself and what I hope my blog is or will become.

I am a 30+ mom of two who has been married to the love of my life for the past 12 years. We met when we were only 19 (boy, that seems so young now) and were married just 2 1/2 years later. Our son was born 2 months after we celebrated our first anniversary. At that time, we were also raising our nephew who, after 6 years with us, returned to his father's house. It was a difficult start being so young and learning to grow up together but we managed to weather the tough times and build a strong foundation on which to build our family. In 2000, our daughter was born and was a handful from the start! We practiced attachment parenting with all of the kids and were very pleased with the bond it helped to form within our family.

I returned to college to pursue my degree when she was just 14 months old. At first, my husband and I tried to have opposite schedules to avoid childcare but that was NOT conducive to a happy marriage so we began having friends and then family care for them. While finishing up my junior year of undergrad, our daughter was diagnosed with high risk, slow responding acute lymphoblastic leukemia. It was a very tough 27 months of treatment but she is now in remission and despite battling the long and short term side effects of treatment, she is doing very well. Feel free to check out her blog at www.courage4kennedy.com. Rather than rehash all of that here, that is a good place to discover our journey and keep caught up on that front. This blog will NOT be about our cancer story.

Her experience has caused some spiritual turmoil for all of us except her. She has had an amazingly deep faith from day 1 and often times been the very thing that has carried us through. My understanding of my relationship with God has changed dramatically and, had this not happened, my faith would probably have been on a serious path of destruction. I have come to see Him as He really is and understand that He is ALWAYS with me wanting the very best for me and my family (Jeremiah 29:11). My husband continues to struggle. We are learning that QUALITY of life far out weighs QUANTITY.

Since then, I have returned to school to finish my degree and have less than 1 year (and only 5 more classes!!!) left.

So, let's see...we are a homeschooling family. My son attended a wonderful charter school through 3rd grade but we have been homeschooling since. My daughter has never attended any kind of school and can't even imagine what that would be like...nor does she have any desire to do so. She struggles in many areas with a variety of challenges due to treatment, so homeschooling is a fantastic place for her to be as we can modify her schoolwork allowing for more multisensory learning and a lot fewer distractions. My son plays soccer, snowboards and has played baseball but his first love is rodeo. He has his own rodeo blog at www.onerisingstarcowboy.blogspot.com. Our daughter also does rodeo but is much less competitive than her brother. She also dances ballet and looks forward to playing soccer this fall.

As a family, we enjoy camping, rodeo, and just being out in the country. We have a dog, a cat and 4 horses but will be adding a few more animals soon as both kids are doing 4H. I LOVE to read, write and enjoy politics and history in addition to my hobbies of scrapbooking and learning to knit on a loom. Reading, however, is my first love. My husband is a truck driver who was born in Texas but raised in the northwest where I grew up. He loves our horses, being with the kids and family, basketball, football, his poker nights with the boys and mudding. His Scout is in the process of being rebuilt so he is without a 4x4 for now...that won't last long!

I created this blog as an outlet to discuss whatever is floating around in this brain. While I have enjoyed updating my daughter's blog and will obviously continue to write there, I desperately needed a place to share my story that did not necessarily have anything to do with her cancer (which has at many times felt as if it was our whole life). It is possible that I will write regarding that here but do not expect this to be a regular occurance.

So, I LOVE quotes...expect to find them at the beginning, middle or end of every blog. Most if not all will come from www.quotegarden.com and all will be attributed to the author unless anonymous.

So...let the fun begin!!

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

~e.e. cummings

Mel

Some Mothers Get Babies With Something More

Some Mothers Get Babies With Something More
written by: Lori BorgmanColumnist and Speaker

My friend is expecting her first child.
People keep asking what she wants.
She smiles demurely, shakes her head and gives the answer mothers have
given throughout the pages of time.
She says it doesn’t matter whether it’sa boy or a girl.
She just wants it to have ten fingers and ten toes.
Of course, that’s what she says.
That’s what mothers have always said.
Mothers lie.
Truth be told, every mother wants a whole lot more.

Every mother wants a perfectly healthy baby with a round head, rosebud lips, button nose,beautiful eyes and satin skin.
Every mother wants a baby so gorgeous that people will pity the Gerber baby for being flat-out ugly.
Every mother wants a baby that will roll over, sit up and take those firststeps right on schedule (according to the baby development chart on page57, column two).
Every mother wants a baby that can see, hear, run, jumpand fire neurons by the billions.
She wants a kid that can smack the ballout of the park and do toe points that are the envy of the entire ballet class.
Call it greed if you want, but we mothers want what we want.

Some mothers get babies with something more.
Some mothers get babies with conditions they can’t pronounce, a spine that didn’t fuse, a missing chromosome or a palette that didn’t close. Most of those mothers can remember the time, the place, the shoes they were wearing and the color of the walls in the small, suffocating room where the doctor uttered the words that took their breath away.
It felt like recess in the fourth grade when you didn’t see the kick ball coming and it knocked the wind clean out of you.

Some mothers leave the hospital with a healthy bundle, then, months, even years later, take him in for a routine visit, or schedule her for a well check, and crash head first into a brick wall as they bear the brunt ofdevastating news.
It can’t be possible!
That doesn’t run in our family.
Can this really be happening in our lifetime?

I am a woman who watches the Olympics for the sheer thrill of seeing finely sculpted bodies.
It’s not a lust thing; it’s a wondrous thing.
The athletes appear as specimens without flaw - rippling muscles with nary an ounce of flab or fat, virtual powerhouses of strength with lungs and limbs working in perfect harmony.
Then the athlete walks over to a tote bag, rustles through the contents and pulls out an inhaler.
As I’ve told my own kids, be it on the way to physical therapy after a third knee surgery, or on a trip home from an echo cardiogram, there’s no such thing as a perfect body.
Everybody will bear something at some time or another.
Maybe the affliction will be apparent to curious eyes, or maybe it will be unseen, quietly treated with trips to the doctor, medication or surgery. The health problems our children have experienced have been minimal and manageable, so I watch with keen interest and great admiration the mothers of children with serious disabilities, and wonder how they do it.
Frankly, sometimes you mothers scare me.
How you lift that child in and out of a wheelchair 20 times a day.
How you monitor tests, track medications,regulate diet and serve as the gatekeeper to a hundred specialists yammering in your ear.
I wonder how you endure the cliches and the platitudes, well-intentioned souls explaining how God is at work when you’ve occasionally questioned if God is on strike.
I even wonder how you endure schmaltzy pieces like this one — saluting you, painting you as hero and saint, when you know you’re ordinary.
You snap, you bark, you bite.
You didn’t volunteer for this.
You didn’t jump up and down in the motherhood line yelling, “Choose me, God! Choose me! I’ve got what it takes.”
You’re a woman who doesn’t have time to stepback and put things in perspective, so, please, let me do it for you.
From where I sit, you’re way ahead of the pack.
You’ve developed the strength of a draft horse while holding onto the delicacy of a daffodil.
You have a heart that melts like chocolate in a glove box in July,carefully counter-balanced against the stubbornness of an Ozark mule.
You can be warm and tender one minute, and when circumstances require intense and aggressive the next.
You are the mother, advocate and protector of a child with a disability. You’re a neighbor, a friend, a stranger I pass at the mall.
You’re the woman I sit next to at church, my cousin and my sister-in-law. You’re a woman who wanted ten fingers and ten toes, and got something more.
You’re a wonder.