I Must Have More to Learn

I love that God continually refines us in to better people. That we are never too old, too stubborn, too young, too smart or too stupid that He gives up on us. I figure by the time I reach the otherside I ought to be as pure as can be. Of course, that means plenty of work needs to be done here.

Now, sometimes that work is just awesome. I am stretched beyond my comfort zone and rise to the occasion and am allowed to bask in the glory of my accomplishment...at least for a little while. And sometimes, the work is just downright painful. God allows me to fall on my face for not listening to Him. While I may put the issue on the altar, in His infinite widom, He will allow me to take it back and crash on my own accord...so that I may rise up a better person. And other times, that doesn't seem to be enough and He will pull out all the stops and let life crash in on me. Kennedy's cancer for example. No, He did not give her cancer but I believe He allowed things to happen the way they did for a greater purpose...my salvation...to save my marriage...to save my family...to allow wonderful people in to my life...to stretch me in to a better person...so we could lead others to Him through our testimony...to refine me and make me more like Him.

You see...I have control issues...big ones. It's an area that effects many aspects of my life. It makes my life painful at times. During Kennedy's cancer years, I had to work on this. Nothing was under my control...NOTHING. A glimpse? When we were given Kennedy's "road map" to treatment, I went home and put it in my calendar for the next 27 months! The first time there was any deviating from the plan...I came unglued. You see...many things in treatment are unpredictable. There are delays and bumps you simply can not plan for and while the doctors understood that, I was unwilling to even entertain the thought. I had so much to learn. And I got better...but still I like control. My son called me a "micromanager" the other day...I didn't even know he knew what it meant...but he did...and he was right. In addition to my control issue...ok, issues...I also like to light my own path. Boy, He sure has a lot of warnings against that. I should probably take heed.

Where is this going you ask????

He has decided more refining is in order. Kennedy has no health insurance...again. This time it appears to be a weird glitch. I mailed a couple of bills with checks in October from a post office. They did not arrive at their destinations. One was a bill that I could take care of over the phone. When I received a late notice I checked to see if it had cleared the bank and when it didn't, I cancelled the check and paid over the phone. It happens. However, I didn't think about anything else going out that day and that included Kennedy's insurance premium (yes, we pay it in addition to the one we pay through Keith's work for the rest of us). As I was getting ready to mail in the November payment, I received the usual statement in the mail about what they will pay and it said that they paid NOTHING to her last clinic visit! What??? Of course, it was the day before Thanksgiving and after 6pm and I could do nothing but cry. I checked with the bank...the October check had not cleared. *LIGHTBULB* they were mailed on the same day. Crap!

I called Friday...no one was available. To cover my butt, I checked out other insurance options. Keith's work...not an option, but I found a few companies who carried individual plans at a reasonable cost. Ok, sucks but it could be okay. I have to have a plan you know! Bright and early this morning called OMIP to straighten it out and they said flat out...she was cancelled. We could appeal...but how am I going to prove I mailed it...its not like I mailed it certified?? With other insurance companies you have to have had coverage within the previous 63 days or you are subject to the "6 month pre-existing condition" clause and with them cancelling and going back to September 30th...December 2nd was 63 days!! Another crap! If she gets her plan back...it will cost us $609!! Aack! If she doesn't, the first month of medical crap will cost us twice that!!!

I am NOT a crier but the tears just keep coming!

I called the best insurance company on my list...I cried some more...he told us to go ahead and fill out an application but she would be denied. Maybe we could use that in our appeal to OMIP. OMG it sucks! Kennedy has 6 appointments in December and 8 in January!!! Oh...let's see...that is about $4000 just for those without insurance.

Ok, regroup. God could not and would not just leave me hanging but I have to wonder what is up, Big Guy! Jeremiah 29:11...that is my mantra. Obama...you better get on that health care reform you promised...we need it NOW!

I Struggle

It's true. If one more person thinks I'm supermom or superwoman I will scream. No one thinks I'm superwife...they've seen my house :) Yes, I homeschool. Sure, I'm also finishing my bachelor's degree. Yep, I manage to hold it together and oversee my daughter's therapy and specialists. Oh, I have a menagerie of pets to care for. And I have 2 businesses trying to get up and running. I do a little writing. I have an active and busy life...today? Let's see...did homework, folded laundry, made breakfast, got put together, got kids put together, did some grant writing research, found a book on starting a non-profit to drop off for client, fed animals, gathered eggs, worked through language arts lesson with Kennedy, helped Austin with math and then science, met with a client, picked up an extra 11 year old boy for the weekend, ran by the bank, stopped at McD's (this was now noon) to buy 3 kids lunch, took said 3 kids rock wall climbing, went grocery shopping, helped feed animals again, ran to the feed store with hubby and then came home and stacked hay, argued with daughter about why she can't buy a pig, coordinated the ordering (or rather the choosing) of our cuts of beef being butchered in eastern Oregon, helped make dinner, did dishes at mom's house, answered emails and checked facebook, and now updating my blog. Before I can go to bed, I have to work more on my paper, wrestle the boys away from their computer game and send the kids to bed, fold and flip laundry so no one is naked tomorrow and finally hit the hay. But you know what? There are huge failures in my life right now.

My house being one. That is the area that gets sacrificed regularly. There's folded laundry on the train table waiting to be put away. It's a distant cousin of the clean and mostly folded laundry in my bedroom. They are all related to the ugly stepsister dirty laundry that appears in my room, bathroom, laundry room, kids' rooms and even a few in the living room. The kids' rooms are resembling New Orleans after Katrina. The classroom has toys, papers and books strung about. The kitchen floor needs mopped, the living room vacuumed and the dust bunnies are about to take over. I hate it.

School has become number two. I know...hard to believe. Before Kennedy got sick (OK, I have to say how ugly it is that our life is now defined by the before the major life trauma and after said trauma but it happens) I was very dedicated to school and my future career. I could never struggle in school or fail or even get a C. I did student government. I volunteered. I was an Outstanding Student Scholar. I was in Phi Theta Kappa (national honor society). I worked at the Capital in Salem. But (and a very BIG BUT here) I sacrificed my family...Alot. Then Kennedy got sick and suddenly my life was put in to perspective.

Now, I believe that all things happen for a greater good and that God is in control. No, He did not "give" Kennedy cancer but He did make the situation work for a higher purpose. I needed to put my priorities in order and put Him and my family above all else. And I have...but something had to give.

I have come to a point where passing is the goal...period. And I hate to say it. I used to stay up all night working and not go to sleep until the next night. I didn't have time for my kids or my husband. It was horrible. Now, I get by and it is catching up. I had a meeting with a professor that could have gone better. She spoke with my advisor last week who let her know that "the quality of my work had declined substantially." Wow...that's harsh...true, but harsh.

Background on the professor...she grew up in a neighborhood where people don't work because they inherit all the money they will ever need. She went to school and had only school to think about...no job, no money worries, no family...just school and she succeeded in getting perfect grades. Now, she teaches and works as a consultant but still has no family or even much responsibility (in her words). She is an incredible professor. Fair, honest and balanced (which is more than I can say for most professors I have had) and one of the smartest people I know. But, she doesn't get it. She even said that she could not imagine doing what I do. But she is disappointed that I don't and am unwilling to give 100%. For that I feel bad.

So, at our meeting, I laid it all out on the table. She appreciated my honesty but was not happy to hear the truth. I simply told her that my lack of enthusiasm was in no way a reflection of the content of the class, the quality of discussion with my peers or her ability to teach. It was simply a lack of time and my ability to give to all of my competing priorities. I feel like I have a huge stove with a multitude of boiling pots and only a few lids and I have to manage to keep them all from spilling everywhere and destroying my kitchen. I literally take whatever pot is running over at the moment...and I am so tired and burnt. The only thing that keeps me going with school is the fact that after December 17th I will need to pass my comps and pass one class to graduate. That is it. The commute...the class work...the homework...I just can't hardly do it anymore. Right now I have a paper due and I just can't get on it. I don't know what in the world is wrong with me! I know it has to be done or I fail and yet another pot is spilling over that can't wait. The class is very interesting...the topic one of my choosing that I really care about but...nothing.

So, I am not Superwoman and to be honest...I don't want to be.

Election Day

I generally do not post regarding political issues, so please know that this is a rarity. However, desperate times call for desperate measures.



I will not tell you who to vote for...I will not tell you who not to vote for. What I will tell you is that you should THINK, and PRAY. Do not go like a herd of sheep to the polls but open your eyes and your heart and see things for how they really are. If you want change...THINK and CONSIDER the change you want to see. Do NOT be fooled by a wolf in sheep's clothing.



Remember, we are currently being led by a Democratic Congress. Have you been happy with the "changes" they have made the last 2 years??? Is that the change in leadership you are looking for? According to my latest figures, our US Congress has a 14% approval rate...almost half of President Bush's very low approval rate...exactly what does that say about the change we voted in 2 years ago?



We are living in very precarious times. Do NOT fail to vote. DO consider the implications of what you are voting. KNOW who you are voting for and what you are voting for. If you do NOT understand the measure or do not know the candidate...DO YOUR RESEARCH OR DON'T VOTE! And above all else...PRAY.




Remember...our soldiers have done AMAZING things in IRAQ. Honor them for all their work...EVERY SINGLE SOLDIER!

Of Cannibal Chickens and Gender Confused Rabbits

I may have jinxed myself when I mentioned cannibal chickens...it appears we have one. Our little Lola (perhaps it's the name?), biter of children and youngest hen of the group, has discovered she has a taste for eggs...or at least the shell...she doesn't always eat the egg itself.

Broken and cracked eggs began appearing in the far left nesting box shortly after my last post. We did not want to accuse anyone of being a cannibal (I realize in the animal world it is not quite as taboo) but it had become evident from the type of break we were seeing that someone was "pecking" them open. Sometimes it was a small hole...as if she had been caught in the act and chased off...and sometimes only the white and yolk remained of the egg and even more disturbing...sometimes the entire thing would be gone with only a yellow stain as evidence. I had decided that we needed to be diligent about collecting the eggs and catching the offender before all the hard work was for not.

So, we waited and watched. Now, like my friend Mrs. Darling said...a watched hen does not lay...well, a watched hen does not eat either. No matter how often we checked, we could not catch the eater nor keep her from devouring the eggs. I began to resign myself to the fact that an eater was in the midst and there would be little I could do about it.

Then, one day...just by chance...I opened the door to the nesting boxes and low and behold there was Lola happily feeding upon another's egg. You see...all of the other girls (Maddie, London and Hannah) are laying eggs...beautiful, round, soft and creamy in color...but Lola has yet to produce even one. I thought that maybe this was a one time thing. After all, it couldn't always be Lola...right? But...we caught her again...and again...and again.

Now, between the egg eating and kid biting, I was getting rather frustrated with Miss Lola. I even began to research chicken soup recipes or maybe pot pie. And...I began to ask other "chicken people" (did I just say that???) what they thought. Some thought we should blow out an egg and fill it with mustard, hot sauce or Worcestershire sauce. Some thought that perhaps it was a lack of grit...but they are outside most of the time with rocks and such. Perhaps a plastic "fake" egg would help. Finally, the lady at the feed store suggested oyster shell. I had already been contemplating that this might be it (calcium deficiency) so I bought a few pounds and held my breath.

Since? Not one hen pecked egg. Some can get cracked just being layed but absolutely no eaten eggs to be found or even remnants of eaten eggs left behind. And Lola? Well, she lives to bite another day...

Now, rabbits. I have never owned one until now. I've always liked them...thought they were cute...but I remember my grandfather raising meat rabbits for food. And it goes without saying, I never really thought of them as pets.

A few months ago, my sister asked me if I was interested in a rabbit. Her friend had a really cute doe (female rabbit) that she was trying to find a home for. Hmmm...I wasn't really interested. I had turned down several bunnies already and was not on the lookout for another pet anyway (we already had 13 animals to feed at home). Her friend was having to change her living situation and could not take the rabbit with her. I felt bad and told her if when she moved she had not found a home, I would take her in temporarily until I could find a home for her. I was sure I could find someone on my home school list to take her in and give her a wonderful home. I really thought she would find someone else.

The end of summer was here and fall was arriving when I was told she could not (or had not) found a home for Oreo the rabbit and could I please take her. Around the same time, a friend asked me to work at her farm/pumpkin patch for the harvest season leading school groups through the barnyard, to the fishing pond and the pumpkin patch. I jumped at the opportunity. And, I had exposure to rabbits in a rather different light. She has beautiful rabbits. Show rabbits...big rabbits...tiny rabbits...lop-eared rabbits...even a one-eared wild rabbit she rescued. And they were cute...and sweet and not at all wild like the ones I remembered as a child. I got to hold them and handle them and they were fun.

Back to the rabbit that needed a home...

Well, I had a different perspective. I told her I would gladly take her and within a few hours had decided that I would not be finding her another home.

I began to ask my friend with all the rabbits lots of questions so that I could provide a good home for her. She asked me all about the rabbit. She loves to breed rabbits and sell them...especially to 4H homes. She just so happened to have both a Dutch Lop buck and a Minature Lop buck. She wanted to know if I would bring my doe over to see what kind she was and wondered if I was interested in breeding her. Maybe...

Today was the day. I brought her over and they thought she was very cute. We decided to go ahead and try and breed her...after all...feed stores often take baby rabbits but I was sure that I could find plenty of home school families who would love them as well. A buck was chosen and they were paired up for their first meeting...imagine our surprise when it was Oreo who took the lead! WHAT?!? Oreo was a GIRL! Perhaps she didn't know her role...she was confused, huh? No...turns out...Oreo was a HE!!!!

Are you kidding ME???

Nope...it's true...Oreo is really a buck. Apparently, the person who had him had never bothered to check or had been told he was a she (and like me) didn't question it. But Oreo was most definitely NOT A GIRL! Whoa! Back up! WHAT!? So, things are not what they appear to be...a good lesson in knowing what you're buying...or getting...or adopting or whatever.

We absolutely love him just the same and it would have made NO difference in our decision to make him part of the herd...but it would have been nice to know that kind of information BEFORE I subjected her bunny to that!

Well, the kids have decided that with a new identity he should have a new name and keeping in the tradition of wanting to name their animals after Disney characters (chickens: Lola, Hannah, Maddie and London and goats: Zack and Cody) he is now...Mr. Moesby or Moe for short. It fits him...it just screams, "I AM MALE!" No mistaking now...

We Have Eggs!!!

Soft, downy chicks...barely hatched came to live on our little farm in early May of this year and quickly grew in to smooth, shiny, feathery chickens. They had a bit of an awkward stage in which they were neither cute nor pretty but rather gawky. They still had a lot of fluffy down but were slowly filling in with long, dark, sleek feathers. Now, they are gorgeous. I love the way their black has a shimmery green that sparkles in the sunlight.

We all figured that once they "looked" like adults, they would begin to behave that way as well. I lovingly tended their hen house and yard and cleaned and filled their nesting boxes with fresh pine shavings...hoping that one day they would reward me with a nutritious, brown egg. It became apparent that one was older than the others. Her feathers arrived faster, her comb was more full and she was much larger than her "sisters."

Daily, I would trek out to check their food and water and be sure that everything was as it should be only to be saddened and disappointed to discover that no egg was waiting for me. I began to wonder if perhaps something was wrong with my chickens. Maybe I was feeding them an incomplete diet. They were now eating a laying crumb that was supplemented with dried corn. They had a wonderful yard full of grass, grit, rocks and bugs to round out their diet. They have fresh, clean, clear water available. I just knew they did not like their house. Maybe it wasn't big enough. Did they like their roosts? I just knew they needed an outside roost. Keith and Austin put one up outside for them and they use it often. According to the books, and my chicken loving friends, they had everything they needed to be happy and healthy.

Maybe they were laying eggs somewhere other than their nesting boxes. Oh, what a site it was for me to be crawling around the chicken house...over and under searching for eggs!!! What a laugh that would have been for all of you! I checked the corners where they love to dust bathe...no eggs. I checked under the hen house where they hide...no eggs. In the hen house on the bottom level where the food and water is kept...no eggs. Over and under...around and through...no eggs! Oh no! I had cannibal chickens who were eating their young! It does happen...rebel chickens who crack open their eggs and down the contents. Or, perhaps the over achieving, competitive chicken who would eat the eggs of her sister to remain the favorite in hopes that those who failed to produce would meet the stock pot! Oh...the places my mind goes! I was desperate for eggs!

I could not stand the quest for eggs any longer! I went to a very reliable source. You see...many of my friends who have chickens get them as adults who are already egg producing. They had no idea when chickens fully mature and begin to lay. I had to find someone who had raised hatchlings...and then it came to me. Kennedy's horseback riding teacher had more than two dozen chickens! I was sure she had to raise some from hatchlings! She reassured me that everything we were providing for our little brood was just exactly what they needed. And if we had cannibals? They would certainly be leaving evidence in the form of broken shells. Oh, but what about the notion that they were some how hiding their eggs? Nope...would find those too with the lay out of our chicken yard. If they were constantly free roaming that could be a likely scenario but not for these girls. So...what was it? They simply weren't old enough. What??? Is that all??? I...me...moi...was being too inpatient??? Yep! She figured if they were hatched the beginning of May, it would probably be November.

So...I gave up the quest for eggs...for now, and moved on to more important matters like fattening up the pony, working with Cooper, catching the goats and dealing with the rampant Pigeon Fever that has plagued our other three horses. And I gave up searching for eggs...no more Easter hunts for me...no, no, no...I was done and I would just worry about all the other matters. Ok, secretly...I was still checking but keeping the obsession under wraps. When....what should Keith discover on his way out to feed animals??? An EGG!!! All my searching and worrying and HE finds an egg!!! Ugh! The kids and I squealed in excitement and Austin wanted to cook it right away. What is it with boys? They want to hunt it, capture it and devour it...I wanted to revel in it's beauty and completeness. But, it was cracked and cooked before I had a chance to get the camera.

Of course, I went out of town the next day but guess what? The eggs keep coming. It appears that only one hen (our oldest) is the layer but I imagine the others are soon to follow. So...now I'm back to pampering and worrying about them again and what the shorter days will mean for their egg production. I'm getting on Keith about installing some artificial light (in addition to the heat lamp) with a timer to help them through the winter...and guess what?? I'm already planning on adding to my brood next year...Rhode Island Reds, Araucanas, more Australorps, Plymouth Rocks...so many choices and only six months to figure it out....

Yes, I am posting again! I know...I know...please hold your applause (did you ever notice that applause looks alot like applesauce? Weird, huh?). I have been totally swamped over the summer mainly with animals and rodeos and kids (it was really a blurry mess so it is hard to tell what is what!). Overall, it was great! Lots of fun, a few bumps and bruises and tons of laughs. I am so glad however, that the summer has come to an end and today really feels like fall. Could be that way because tomorrow if the first day of fall...duh, Mel!

I just LOVE autumn. It is my absolute favorite time of year. Not just because my wedding anniversary is in Autumn (I just was NOT a summer wedding kind of gal) or the fact that my husband and daughter were born in Autumn or that my son was born in December at the end of fall or even that my most favorite holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) are during this time of year. I love the sense of slowing down and settling in that takes place during this time of year. Things begin to move at a more relaxing pace. No longer filling the long days with running and playing and the need to get to the never ending work outside, but now there is time to store up for winter, stay inside together and enjoy quieter activities like playing board games and watching movies and reading. I feel ready to tackle the inside of the house and get it ready to spend more time in. During the summer I just run and run and run and the house begins to come apart. Time to restore order here.

I love the changes outside. The leaves turning from vibrant emerald to crimson and gold and covering the grass, the road and my car. The clouds masking the blue sky and the rain refreshing the ground. Shorter days lull us to bed sooner making the early rise on school mornings easier than the first days at the beginning of September. The horses and goats are showing signs of the wooly winter coat to come and Champ is finally going to stop shedding. The chickens are rising later and hurrying in earlier at night. Soon the Christmas trees surrounding us will be cut and loaded...headed for cities where no snow falls in winter...some will go across the oceans where Christmas trees don't even grow. The air will smell crisp and clear and set my heart thinking about the holidays soon coming. I can enjoy the smells of Christmas long before it is actually here.

We still have warm days (for the most part through October) but cold nights with cool evenings and snappy mornings. Autumn is like breathing again after the craziness of summer...as if a huge sigh of relief was released. I think that perhaps today would be a good one to make an apple pie and think of the hearty stew for dinner...

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns. ~George Eliot

No spring nor summer beauty hath such graceAs I have seen in one autumnal face.~John Donne

I Go Tagged! Motivation to Post :)

I got tagged by Candlemom at http://www.candlemom.blogspot.com as a motivation to post to my blog...it has been way too long! So, here goes...

1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. List 6 random facts about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post
5. Let each person know they've been tagged by commenting on their blog
6. Let the tagger know the entry is posted on your blog.

Hmmm...6 random facts about me...

1. I am attending school at Willamette University as a Senior in Rhetoric and Media Studies...to simplify it, Aristotle defined rhetoric as the ability in each particular case to see the best available means of persuasion, or basically being able to develop the best possible argument for any given situation. Keith says it is a BA in BS.

2. I am terrible at housekeeping. Most definitely not the reason my husband married me!

3. I never dreamed I would actually own horses and we now have 5.

4. I have always wanted to live in Montana...as long as I can remember.

5. I knew I would marry my husband within 2 weeks of dating him.

6. I'm making homemade applesauce today...yum!

Oh my...who to tag! I love this part because I enjoy seeing what others will say...hmmm...how about Terri in Alaska, Amanda in British Columbia, Becky in Oregon, my sister in Oregon and anyone else who is interested! I do love these things :)